The session was recorded before live audience online and we had to allow the interpreter to address the audience at frequent intervals. We edited out the voice of the interpreter to make the recording easier to follow for our English speaking audience.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome Bella. So this is a week of celebration. How do you feel
Speaker 2 (00:06):
All? Hi, I'm so pleased to see you here. And I must be honest. I am nervous.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
It makes sense. So let's, let's try to create together something that will make you feel less nervous and more like this is the right place and the right time to start doing the session. What do you think it's important for you?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
For me at the moment is what's important for me at the moment is to, that would sound banal, but to calm down <laugh> and I think I'm in the process while, you know, while talking to you, it kind of comes me down. When I look at you, I look only at you right now. It in a way comes me down a little bit. I'm getting into mode of, you know that I'm gonna work now. I dunno why I say that, but <laugh>
Speaker 1 (01:15):
This is exactly what I'm trying to do for myself. So for that, to that extent, I think your video, so this, it will be just one just you that I will be looking at so I can make sure nothing gets nothing distracts me. Would it be okay for you to start slowly diving into the session? What do you say?
Speaker 2 (01:40):
And I did what you just said. I just pin your your video so I can only see you and see you.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
I think that's great. So would you like to share with me what would you like to discuss this evening?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yes, of course. You know while you were talking, I was thinking about the reason why I got so nervous because I was okay. Especially after talking to you previously. And what I wanted to talk about is that I wanted, that I want to be seen. And by seeing, I mean in front of the people,
Speaker 1 (02:42):
So you said that you want to be seen in front of the people. So I wonder what needs to change for you to achieve that?
Speaker 2 (02:58):
You know, at first I wanted automatically to say, I don't know, but then a thought came to my mind and I thought I need to change the perception of myself. I need to change the perception of myself, Michelle.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
Would you like to describe how do you envision yourself experiencing and feeling when you will be finally be able to be seen the way that you want,
Speaker 2 (03:41):
You know, today one of the masters dropped the phrase and she said, I'm not perfect, but I'm enough. And the first part of the phrase made me nervous. I noticed that when I heard I'm not perfect, it, it wa it, it seemed like it wasn't me who felt that, and the thought was, what do you mean? I'm not perfect? How can I exist? And if I'm not perfect, how can you do, how can I do things if I'm not perfect? And I felt that I'm getting anxious and and I thought interesting reaction to the phrase I'm not perfect. So I think this triggered the anxiety that I had in the beginning. And when I said I wanted to be seen, I thought, wow, this is probably so much interrelated because if you allow me, I will elaborate on what I mean when I, when I say I want to be seen, being seen for me is
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I have so many things to say, I am very opinionated, opinionated, like I have my own opinion and everything. And when I'm, and I guess people know that, you know, around me. So when they ask for my opinion, especially in front of other people, <laugh>, I feel like that fainting goat, that when she's in the spotlight or when she's startle and freezes. So I lose myself. When I'm asked question in front of other people, and I can't say anything, or I say something stupid, I think, or insufficient, or, you know, everything you can think of and yeah, senior and I think, and why, why I decided to talk about this today because I've been thinking about it a lot. And I think that's one of the main reasons why I'm not moving forward. I'm so scared to make steps in my life. In communication, I think I can do more I can offer more and in my professional life that is also very important for me.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
It's time for me to speak.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Okay. So I'm, I'm, I'm hearing that you want to be seen, and you also said that you want to offer more, and you mentioned that this phrase that I'm not perfect, but I am enough. So I'm wondering which way would you like to be seen as someone who is perfect or someone who is enough?
Speaker 2 (07:58):
That's a very interesting question. I never thought of it that way. You know, I have a question, well, how can I be enough if I'm not perfect? I think it's not possible. I want to be enough because I'm always chasing something. There is, it's never enough for me. And I don't give myself time to enjoy what I have at the moment. So yeah, I cannot be enough if I'm not perfect, like there is something missing.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Hmm. So you heard something that strike you as important or perhaps contradictory, like an Aron this is what I'm getting from what you said, because I'm perfect, but I'm enough. And you said, then how can I be enough if I'm not perfect? So I'm wondering if it sounds like, although you gave me an answer, it sounds like summer on some level you are still struggling with that and correct me if I'm wrong, I might be wrong. But if you are, I, I wonder which part of you is trying to convince who
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Yes you are. Absolutely. Right. And now that I think of how I felt when I heard that I've been trying to be enough for myself in the first place. So I've been working on that for quite some time, but when I heard that I'm not perfect. So not being perfect and being enough, it feels like they're fighting each other, but the not being perfect part is more aggressive than the part I am enough.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Mm-Hmm <affirmative> so everything you said makes sense to me. And it's, it makes sense. It's let me share you which way, because when, when you said the, the phrase you are not perfect is, is very strong. Yes. I would say it's strong because it, it seems like it comes from a judgmental place. You are someone saying to someone
Speaker 1 (11:50):
You are not perfect. It sounds like a judgment. So judgements, all, always have a strong force, but I, I want to recall a couple of things that you said earlier. So the one was about anxiety. You are feeling anxious because of this thing. And at some point later, you also mentioned that experiencing what you're experiencing does not allow you to feel joy. So I, I wonder if you like, let's focus on that part. I see that you're smiling. So that's good. Say good sign. So let's say, so how would you imagine yourself feel enjoyed? What will you be doing and feeling? And I stopped for the translation. Of course.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
You saw my wide smile <laugh> and that was brilliant. What you did. I didn't expect that. Yeah. But could you please repeat your question? I don't want to lose it. <Laugh>
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Sure. You said something about joy, so I'm wondering, how do you see yourself having joy? How do you, what can you envision yourself having joy and what will you be experiencing when you will be, what will you do differently?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
So the joy is I think the joy is something that I want, no matter what I do or whatever I do, whoever I talk to what would I do and how would I do it differently? That's a big question probably in order to be, to have this joy, I will, I don't want to say, have to, but there is nothing, there, there is no other word that comes to my mind. I will have to see myself differently to be able to enjoy. And that's, that's like, I think very important thought or
Speaker 1 (15:16):
So to ask you to decide, to start, to, to start doing the things that you want to do and be seen, what do you need most of all,
Speaker 2 (15:36):
You know, I want say to be confident I want to say to trust myself, but I kind of feel that this words come from my mind and I'm wondering if there is something deeper than that.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
So what does your heart say?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
You know, I have a feeling that you see through me. <Laugh>, I'll explain why I said that because I think that I can read people. I think that I have very good intuition. I think that, you know, I'm all about people, but at some point I got so tired of that. And now when you ask me what your heart thinks suddenly I understood that it's not true. I'm not listening to my heart at all. There comes trusting myself. There comes listening to myself, you know, something that I've been struggling for quite some time. And I was wondering why, why, why I, I can't do that. What changed? And now it's amazing. And now I was actually fool myself.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Fully myself in terms of, I was not even trying to listen to myself. I was I was here in my thoughts and I, and now, you know, this thought explains a lot. Like I I'm overthinking, I am a overthinker. I reflect a lot to the extent that, that I tire myself, you know, like there was one day. I remember clearly when I, I, I told myself, okay, you know what, stop, stop, reflecting, stop thinking. This is going nowhere, because it felt like I am, you know, running in circles. But when I was reflecting, I thought, wow, I'm such a good good person. I am, you know, a deep thinker, you know, I can. So it's all, it seems like it's all I don't want to be harsh on myself right now because I wanted to say it seems like it's all a lie. Mm. I feel like would this hard concept that you mentioned? I feel like I want to be kinder to myself. I think, and, and when I say kinder automatically, I feel like there is another level, another layer. There is something more than being kinder to myself. There is something more, there is something more grand that I have this urge discovering.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
This is really great conversation. Thank you so much, Bella. And I, can I get that? I get what you're saying, because to the extent that we have talked, I can understand that you are all for people. And the, the first thing that you brought into the conversation was that you want to be seen. And I get that people see are seeing this in you, and you want that to be seen. I wonder, what else do you want them to see from you? Did I say all this?
Speaker 3 (20:50):
No, I didn't translate. Bella's reply before you asked a question,
Speaker 4 (20:55):
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Speaker 3 (21:03):
If you want to repeat question, please.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
I repeat the question. You know, say we say whatever we say in coaching, it stays in the moment. <Laugh> something like that. Because I was, yeah,
Speaker 2 (21:26):
If you want, I can remind you a little bit I was talking about when I said, I want to be kinder to myself, but there is another layer that I would like to seems like there's another level layer that I would like to discover that is, that is important probably for me.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Yeah. So this, the question that started staying was what else do you want to be, see to, for people to see in you, because you mentioned about the, the connection with the heart and I was and all that. So, which other part of you would you like them to see
Speaker 3 (22:14):
If I was,
Speaker 2 (22:30):
You know, there was, there was a project that I'm in right now and I was supposed to approach some people and offer what I can offer. And I've got a few rejections and that I wouldn't say destroyed me. No, it didn't. But that made me think and ask myself a question. Why, what did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong? So when you, when you ask me, what else do you, what, what do you want, what else do you want people to see? And that's a powerful question for me, because I, I didn't think about that considering that I'm reflection, freak what else do I want people to see? I want them to see and trust and I can do it. Mm-Hmm <affirmative> that I am strong enough to do it because because the phrase was, they will not listen to you. When I got the rejection, they told me they will not listen to you. And so I want them to see that I can do it. I want them to see that it, that they can listen to that. Then at the same time, can I make anybody listen to me? No,
Speaker 2 (24:35):
I can't. I can't. So another question to myself would be okay then what can I do? And the answer would be leave in myself, listen to my heart. I am in <laugh>, you know I, when I say I, when I said I am enough immediately, I thought, okay, I am enough for the time being, it's not limited. It can still expand. It's kind of, I was, I was reassuring myself that this is not the end. This is not the level of enoughness. Shall I say that there more levels of being enough? Oh my God. Wow.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
Speaker 4 (26:09):
<Laugh> yeah. Yeah. That's
Speaker 1 (26:15):
So I hear you saying all these great stuff, and I feel that you are acquiring strengths and power. I also feel I'm empowered with you. I recall earlier, we said, you said that what you want to do here, what we want to do here today is to change the perception. So I'm wondering whether we're going the right direction with what we're saying so far. Do we need to add anything to it?
Speaker 3 (26:45):
Yes. Yes. Show that some,
Speaker 2 (26:51):
You know it's very interesting when you asked that question, I immediately wanted to say yes, yes. Of perception. My perception is to know that I'm enough enough for the time being, or for the situation that I'm in or this period of life, whatever it can be. Right. And, and then I remember it, my, how I felt when I heard I'm not perfect, but dumb enough. So that in, I am enough part. Now I understand why at ease and I'm not perfect was all, you know, it felt like it's a warrior with the sort out. And now there is only this, I am enough with the levels that is left and this part of I am not perfect. It hasn't transformed, it just died down. It just kind of, it didn't go away, but it died down. And it feels like in my body that it is going away. But so slowly that I cannot, I, I mean, now I'm talking and I'm, and I'm thinking, are you crazy? As if it's not gonna escape, it's not gonna, it's not gonna disappear. I mean, painfully, you know, like there is something missing from, from myself, but it's lying down and eventually will disappear the way that I will not even notice. And this thought
Speaker 2 (29:03):
Is actually now I am so surprised that I am saying these words. It feels like really,
Speaker 4 (29:18):
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Speaker 4 (29:26):
Speaker 2 (29:26):
And, you know while senior was translating, I had another, I think brilliant thoughts is that, you know,
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Nowadays I hear from everywhere that take what it's, what's, what's there just, you know, just be satisfied. And I didn't like that. I kind of, I was, I was forcing myself that I need to be satisfied with what I have. I, I, I didn't, because I, I didn't accept that. I try to, I, it's kind of, again, I try to force myself now. I understand that even with my, with me being a control freak, even with my traits that are a bit annoying, maybe not a bit, but I don't know. I'm not the judge of it. <Laugh> when I want to do something mm. The way I think it should be done and maybe perfect. Maybe not. And I feel like, yes, I can still do that, but I wouldn't be, I wouldn't feel disappointed. I, I wouldn't feel guilty that I'm imposing something on other people.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
I will still do the way I think it should be maybe perfect, or I will strive to make it the best way possible. And I will not feel guilty that I'm, that I'm neurotic, that people will think, oh, come on, just drop it. Enough already. I will. I think this, this realization will, is giving me or thought that I can do things better. I will strive to do things better. Mm-Hmm <affirmative> and I can improve. And this is actually my strength that I want to do things in a better way. I want, there is nothing wrong in wanting to be a good professional or wanting to be a better human being. I'm not neurotic. <Laugh> I am I, this is just, this is the best way possible for me. I, I don't want half measures.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
You, you understand what I mean? Right. Mm-hmm <affirmative>, mm-hmm <affirmative> and this is brilliant. I I've been struggling with this for a very long time, and I've been carrying, carrying that guilt for a long time and accusing myself of being neurotic, being control, freak, being perfectionist, and all those things. And I try to change it, but now I know that I don't have to change it. It, I can use it as my strong sign as my strong trait. And, and more importantly, I will do it with love and care with love and care. And, and in that case, I will not hurt other people, which seems it seems like it's important.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Mm-Hmm, <affirmative>, I'm so glad we're having this conversation.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Well, I'm on cloud nine. You would believe
Speaker 1 (33:42):
This is wonderful. So I want to say something, but I want to allow Xia for the translation part from one control, freak to another. I think you're doing a great job.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
<Laugh> thank you. <Laugh> so
Speaker 1 (34:03):
I feel like we, where for the days that will come, you will be waving goodbye to this old perception, because, and I think that it's it makes sense to be respectful because it's a part of you it's changing is comes with with a process, so old habits or all perceptions in our case are about to die down, as you said. So how will you make sure that you are waving by the proper way that you are staying very well to this old perception?
Speaker 2 (34:43):
You know, I kind of did, when senior was translating, I was thinking of EV like experiencing again, one, one more time, what I said, and it kind, it, it it's, it was like thinking in me that I had some tears and I was thinking, am I said, what's happening. And when you said, now that, you know, was time, you were waiving goodbye. I had, in my mind, I said, oh, those were tears. When you say goodbye to something and you know that, and, you know, you don't have feeling of regret or, oh my God, the way I talk right now, <laugh> you know, without any regret. And it's like you know, when a parent is letting go, the grown child into life so no regrets. And I, you know, I was thinking like, I want to be a whole person. Now I have this feeling, not a hundred percent, but I feel like I am I'm on the right track.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
You do well.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
And, and, and that's, that's thanks to you. And I'm so blessed that I have this opportunity to do this in your presence with your help. And I'm thankful to, I don't know, universe Yogi many people actually, I, I want you know, I, I don't want to take up the time, but yeah,
Speaker 1 (37:13):
I think this is happening because of who you are. And I want to thank you for this be because you are so open and, and so authentic in who you are and what you're doing. So thank you very much. Is there anything else that you would like to, to say or do before we close this session?
Speaker 2 (37:36):
No. I will listen to you or to, you know, seeing and enjoy what I feel right now.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Thank you. Very, thank you very much.